Small Victories

I haven't been around in this little corner of the Internet for awhile. Trust me, I've been exercising, even when I haven't wanted to, and my food intake has been okay...not awesome, but not out of control, save for the Godiva chocolates I got for Valentine's Day, and the fact that (sorry, gentleman!) it's been that time of the month, and OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT TO EAT. And lay about with a heating pad. No bueno.

Still, slowly but surely, it's been paying off in little ways. I know that many people use weighing in as a good way to check-in on themselves, and yeah, I get it. But I still think that too much weighing in is sort of a bad thing---I know that my body fluctuates wildly, with hormones, water intake and a million different things.

Over the weekend, I decided to try a new sort of weigh-in. I was getting ready to head out, and picked up the pair of jeans I've sort of been relying on lately. I saw another pair next to them, that I used to love...before they got too tight. I decided it'd be fun to just trythem---you know, just in case.

They fit! THEY FIT! I zipped them up and wore them out and felt absolutely fantastic all night---like all of the salads, apples and hours spent at the gym are finally starting to pay off. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I'm getting somewhere...and that feels amazing.

And this morning, when my alarm went off at 4:30 am, I bounded out of bed, because I want more moments like THAT, where I'm zipping into things I worried I might never wear again.

The early bird catches the workout...

So, I've come to a horrible conclusion about myself, and that is this: working out after work is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Judge me if you will, but when I get home from BEING TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH 13-YEAR-OLDS, I don't want to go to the gym. I want to cook dinner, write, read, see friends or generally relax. I still don't love working out. SUE ME. It's just never going to be my favorite thing, save for my beloved Bikram Yoga, which is my favorite thing ever, despite being hot and icky and in a room that smells like feet.

This weekend, I made a decision: I have to workout in the mornings, before work. In case you've not heard my commuting tirade, I drive an hour each way to work, and leave before 7 AM.

My alarm is now set for 4:45.

Am I bitter? Maybe a little. But, I have found that I'm already more successful. Once I'm out of bed, it's not too bad to go and do 30 minutes of cardio and 25 minutes of weights. I am so tired at first that I'm not able to actively loathe my cardio. I start my day off with a quiet hour that's just for me, and that is awesome. Plus, I think that starting my day with a workout makes me less apt to want to eat poorly, because I don't want to get up early and crap it away.

Right now, I'm aiming for 3-4 times a week in the morning. My current schedule is going Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays, with running club on Saturdays and Bikram Wednesday and Sunday. That means Friday is a free day, and since I generally regard Friday as a mini-holiday anyways, this fits in well. I am hoping that being on a schedule will make all the difference, and I know that knocking out my workout first thing makes me 100% more likely to actually GO.

Do you schedule your workouts? What works---or doesn't work---for you in terms of time to workout?

STRESS EATING OMG

So, I'm a stress eater. I know I am not alone. But, over the past week or so, my life has had significant amounts of stress, both personally and professionally.

I am stressed, therefore I eat.

Truth be told, I haven't gone too far off the rails. I treated myself to a low-fat Starbucks coffee cake last week. I had a few pieces of chocolate during a conversation with a good friend. I ate late-night food again. I took a bite of birthday cake for a friend. I just finished consuming a corn dog from our school cafeteria, something I refuse to apologize for since I've been craving a darn corndog for a week straight. This is a major improvement from previous times in my life where I have absolutely GONE NUTS, eating a lot of stuff and snacking like whoa.

There have been no "drive-through-Taco-Bell-and-go-nuts" binges, but I'm definitely exceeding my calorie intake by 100 calories or so each day, if not more. And, I'm not working out to cover it.

I haven't been dilligent about two things: tracking my food AND eating a good breakfast. Typically, when I track my food, I am hyper-aware of all calories, and I plan ahead to avoid a huge binge. It's tedious, but helpful.

It sounds formulaic, but eating a healthy, big breakfast really starts my day off right. I know that eating protein helps my day---I don't feel so hungry, and by the time I hit my mid-morning snack, I'm not ravenous for anything that can touch my lips.

So, my big goals for this week: hardboil some eggs, so I can add an egg to my morning routine, track my meals in advance and really, really stay within my caloric goal. I'm also hoping to really focus on what I want when I'm stressed out, and finding a better way of dealing with stress. Truthfully, working out is starting to really help me---I can feel the beginnings of that runner's high people discuss sometimes. And hot yoga is such a release for me.

Weigh-In

Ahhh, thank you so much for your sweet words on my last post. It's always nice to know that people get it, they understand your struggles and that they're rooting for you.

I needed that.

I have had a bit of a compulsive weighing problem in the past, something I'm trying to combat by only weighing in on Tuesdays. I chose not to weigh myself last week because it was that time of the month, I was feeling stabby and I know that my body holds on to every last pound during my period. It wasn't worth the emotional upset.

I weighed in last night. I was sure that it'd be bad news, because I went out for breakfast over the weekend, drank on Saturday night, ate terrible food in the wee hours of Saturday morning and while I've been counting calories, I also haven't been denying myself things I consider to be basic rights, such as frozen yogurt and Stress Chocolate while PMS-ing. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I waited 'til this morning and weighed in again, just to be sure.

Final loss for the past two weeks? Down another 3.2 lbs.

My first official day was January 5th, and so far, I'm exactly 7 lbs. down from the highest, scary weight I saw back in December. If you figure that healthy weight loss is 2 lbs. per week, I'm at almost exactly that. Sure, I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there. I feel like my body is slowly getting to that place where it's burning fat.

A good friend (Hi, M!) and I often discuss our need for "gold stars" when we're doing well, and honestly, I feel like I got mine with this weigh in. To lose 7 lbs in the first 3.5 weeks makes me want to keep going. It's showed me that I don't have to be a Food Nazi, and that the workouts I'm doing are working.

And mostly? It's made me pretty damn proud of myself.

I just want to be okay...

I had running club this weekend. Or, walking club. I was placed in a super-slow group as a result of my pace run.

I'm trying to be okay with that.

I don't know why I'm finding this so shocking, but losing weight is turning out to be a totally emotional process. As I was plugging along at my walk along the trail this weekend, I found myself with that familiar inner dialogue, berating myself for being slow, for not being able to run as far, for being in this situation at all.

I hate it. I hate that thinking about my body can reduce me to tears. I hate being reluctant to post for pictures, to shop for clothes, to do anything because I am ashamed that I'm so overweight.

Mentally, I know that being overweight is not a moral issue. I don't hurt people, I am not a bad person, I'm not some awful human. But I still can't help but feel that it's a crime against myself. I'm not treating my body the way I should. I'm robbing myself of a full life. I'm missing out on my full potential to have fun and be silly and goofy. And I'm only 26. I'm still young.

Instead of focusing on these negative thoughts, I'm trying to work on being positive. I'm congratulating myself for being out on the trail at all. I'm giving myself mental high fives when I resist the food I really want in favor of food that is better for me. I am proud of myself for working out 5 days last week. I'm trying to learn to embrace my sore muscles, because that's progress.

The past few years have been such a whirlwind in my personal life and I'm slowly realizing how much I abuse myself for choices that may have not been the best. I'm making the connection that my body is a direct reflection of that self-loathing---that, whether conscious or not, I've been treating myself poorly physically because I treat myself poorly mentally and emotionally.

No more. With every workout, I'm learning to praise myself for where I am and to keep looking forward to where I'd like to be. With every healthy meal I consume, I'm reminding myself that I deserve to eat well and be treated well. And sure I may be in the slow group, and hot yoga may kill me, and I still may have to restrain myself from eating Taco Bell and chocolate, but I'm learning to reward myself with good things.

This isn't just a battle to get a perfect body---it's a battle to start treating myself with the love I deserve both mentally and physically.

I'm going to win.

Running club...

Over the weekend, I went to SacFit's running club for the first time. I have to admit that I was equal parts cynical and nervous, mostly because I'm not a fitness person. Like, at all. As we approached the group and I saw car after car decorated with "26.2" stickers, I began to question my judgment in joining this whole thing.

As we approached, I saw people of all shapes and sizes. Some were clearly marathoners, and others were walkers. After some general announcements, the newbies were gathered into a group and given a bit of a pep talk.

The head of SacFit explained a lot about the group. He said that his biggest goal is for people to be successful, and not to feel pressured to do or be anything other than our best at that time. The mission of the group is for people to stick around, to learn how to run and be a successful athlete---even if you've never been on a sports team or been considered fit. Normally, this sort of this doesn't really affect me---call me cynical, but I've been to gyms before where this is emphasized and well, it never seems to pan out that way. But as I looked around and saw the ability levels and felt the sincerity of what was being said, I couldn't help but feel welcome. We were assured that we were to run slowly and comfortably, that they wanted to prevent injuries and had resources to do so, and that we'd be treated well and coached individually. It felt good, and for the first time in a long time, I began to think that maybe, being one of those fitness people isn't exactly unattainable for me.

Leslie and I completed our pace run---just a mile---and we both did it in under 16 minutes. I realize that is terribly slow, but for me? I was pleased that I'd done it under 20, and that I felt good while doing it.

I just got home from my first solo workout, in which I ran 20 minutes without stopping. Yes, I was slow---agonizingly slow. But I did it. And with each and every minute that passed, I began to feel more and more like a runner who will achieve her goals this year.

Playlist

*click to enlarge...

For me, nothing motivates me during working out like music. Well, music motivates and inspires me all the time, but especially during working out---it's key. I thought I'd share my current workout playlist with you, in case you're in need of some motivation/inspiration.

Just a heads up---I tend to like pretty foul hip-hop and electronic music while I workout. If you're sensitive to swearing, etc. I'd avoid tracks 8, 11 and 15 :)