I had running club this weekend. Or, walking club. I was placed in a super-slow group as a result of my pace run.
I'm trying to be okay with that.
I don't know why I'm finding this so shocking, but losing weight is turning out to be a totally emotional process. As I was plugging along at my walk along the trail this weekend, I found myself with that familiar inner dialogue, berating myself for being slow, for not being able to run as far, for being in this situation at all.
I hate it. I hate that thinking about my body can reduce me to tears. I hate being reluctant to post for pictures, to shop for clothes, to do anything because I am ashamed that I'm so overweight.
Mentally, I know that being overweight is not a moral issue. I don't hurt people, I am not a bad person, I'm not some awful human. But I still can't help but feel that it's a crime against myself. I'm not treating my body the way I should. I'm robbing myself of a full life. I'm missing out on my full potential to have fun and be silly and goofy. And I'm only 26. I'm still young.
Instead of focusing on these negative thoughts, I'm trying to work on being positive. I'm congratulating myself for being out on the trail at all. I'm giving myself mental high fives when I resist the food I really want in favor of food that is better for me. I am proud of myself for working out 5 days last week. I'm trying to learn to embrace my sore muscles, because that's progress.
The past few years have been such a whirlwind in my personal life and I'm slowly realizing how much I abuse myself for choices that may have not been the best. I'm making the connection that my body is a direct reflection of that self-loathing---that, whether conscious or not, I've been treating myself poorly physically because I treat myself poorly mentally and emotionally.
No more. With every workout, I'm learning to praise myself for where I am and to keep looking forward to where I'd like to be. With every healthy meal I consume, I'm reminding myself that I deserve to eat well and be treated well. And sure I may be in the slow group, and hot yoga may kill me, and I still may have to restrain myself from eating Taco Bell and chocolate, but I'm learning to reward myself with good things.
This isn't just a battle to get a perfect body---it's a battle to start treating myself with the love I deserve both mentally and physically.
I'm going to win.
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And you totally will.
ReplyDeleteThe more you write about this struggle, the more it seems to me that the battle to lose weight is also the battle to loosen your deathgrip on being "perfect". This entry cements that for me. You're learning that it's okay to not be an Olympian right off the bat, to not have 100% willpower all the time, to not have to be a lingerie model in order to be a wonderful, fulfilled person.
One of the reasons that running is so hard for me is because it brings out my perfectionist tendencies and I always get SO bummed out because I am always SO slow. I just don't have that runner's body and I never will and I'm short, and that's just how it is.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any magic answers but I just want to say - I know. And that you should be really proud of yourself that you are out there running, no matter how slow.
I think admitting all of this and WRITING IT DOWN is your first - and biggest - step. Good for you for being so honest. Keep going out there week after week. It will get better and you're right; you will win!
ReplyDeleteoh that inner voice is HARD! You are on the right track though with this running club. It's so hard not to compare ourselves with others, but you will improve so quickly, especially if you keep at it. :)
ReplyDeleteHonestly? I personally focus on who I am right now, which is a person who is going to the gym regularly, who watches what she eats, who lives conscious of her health. Not on who I used to be. And I know that I am probably putting more effort in it than someone who has always done this because changing habits is hard, it is so hard. I think we can both be proud of what we are and of what we are doing. You may be in the slow running group (as would I) but you are in a running group. So many people do not do anything like that at all (even many skinny ones).
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty, Amy, and I think a big step in the weight loss process is figuring out WHY you got to the weight your ate and WHY you sabotage weight loss efforts. Obviously, we get to the weight we're at because we eat too much! But there are also underlying factors that need to be addressed as well. (Although we don't get to have heart-to-hearts with Jillian and Bob!)
ReplyDeleteThis coming from someone who has ran a half marathon but is sloooow -- of all my friends, I was the last person who ran the whole thing to finish. The friends that finished behind me had stopped to walk.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've seen people twice my size passing me on races. I also have skinny friends who are just as slow as I am.
Though most of my friends are way faster. I don't beat myself up for it. We all have to start somewhere. And I always remember what one of the cops who was helping with a race told me when I complained "I'm so slow" -- he said "you're faster than everyone who's sitting on their couch right now"
And that, I am. We all have to start somewhere...
http://irunyourun.wordpress.com
Oh, that inner voice is a devil isn't it? The great thing about running is that you don't lose anything by doing it at your own pace. I did a 10k last year and was outrun by two men in penguin costumes (for the second year running), was overtaken by half marathoners who finished a good while before me, and finished behind a friend whose own training had been walking to the supermarket (I'd been sweating it for ages at the gym). At first I was annoyed at myself for being, well, crap, but then I realised I had run the whole way, which I hadn't managed the year before and would have died trying 2 years previously. Keep focusing on what you're doing and your achievements, it becomes a habit if you do it often enough. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt definitely is. At the gym we used to focus on teaching people to reverse their inner monologues -- which is a LOT harder than it is. Turn, "Ugh, I ate that cookie" into, "But the rest of the day I ate really well and stopped myself before I overindulged." Turn, "I am the slowest in the group," into, "Go me, I rock, I'm out here!" :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you all the way on this one and I believe you will win too!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh Amy, don't let it get to you! I totally sympathize with your feelings. I sort of equated my worth as a person and my weight, I still do, but as I run I'm more thrilled with the fact that I'm running. I'm never going to be super skinny and my eating is still crap, but I'm so glad I'm doing something positive and not giving into apathy. One step at a time, that's the only way we can get through it. Here's my weight loss blog: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=2706650.
ReplyDeleteI hate to break it to you, but you're already winning. You are in it to win it, my dear.
ReplyDelete