Small Victories

I haven't been around in this little corner of the Internet for awhile. Trust me, I've been exercising, even when I haven't wanted to, and my food intake has been okay...not awesome, but not out of control, save for the Godiva chocolates I got for Valentine's Day, and the fact that (sorry, gentleman!) it's been that time of the month, and OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT TO EAT. And lay about with a heating pad. No bueno.

Still, slowly but surely, it's been paying off in little ways. I know that many people use weighing in as a good way to check-in on themselves, and yeah, I get it. But I still think that too much weighing in is sort of a bad thing---I know that my body fluctuates wildly, with hormones, water intake and a million different things.

Over the weekend, I decided to try a new sort of weigh-in. I was getting ready to head out, and picked up the pair of jeans I've sort of been relying on lately. I saw another pair next to them, that I used to love...before they got too tight. I decided it'd be fun to just trythem---you know, just in case.

They fit! THEY FIT! I zipped them up and wore them out and felt absolutely fantastic all night---like all of the salads, apples and hours spent at the gym are finally starting to pay off. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I'm getting somewhere...and that feels amazing.

And this morning, when my alarm went off at 4:30 am, I bounded out of bed, because I want more moments like THAT, where I'm zipping into things I worried I might never wear again.

The early bird catches the workout...

So, I've come to a horrible conclusion about myself, and that is this: working out after work is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Judge me if you will, but when I get home from BEING TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH 13-YEAR-OLDS, I don't want to go to the gym. I want to cook dinner, write, read, see friends or generally relax. I still don't love working out. SUE ME. It's just never going to be my favorite thing, save for my beloved Bikram Yoga, which is my favorite thing ever, despite being hot and icky and in a room that smells like feet.

This weekend, I made a decision: I have to workout in the mornings, before work. In case you've not heard my commuting tirade, I drive an hour each way to work, and leave before 7 AM.

My alarm is now set for 4:45.

Am I bitter? Maybe a little. But, I have found that I'm already more successful. Once I'm out of bed, it's not too bad to go and do 30 minutes of cardio and 25 minutes of weights. I am so tired at first that I'm not able to actively loathe my cardio. I start my day off with a quiet hour that's just for me, and that is awesome. Plus, I think that starting my day with a workout makes me less apt to want to eat poorly, because I don't want to get up early and crap it away.

Right now, I'm aiming for 3-4 times a week in the morning. My current schedule is going Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays, with running club on Saturdays and Bikram Wednesday and Sunday. That means Friday is a free day, and since I generally regard Friday as a mini-holiday anyways, this fits in well. I am hoping that being on a schedule will make all the difference, and I know that knocking out my workout first thing makes me 100% more likely to actually GO.

Do you schedule your workouts? What works---or doesn't work---for you in terms of time to workout?

STRESS EATING OMG

So, I'm a stress eater. I know I am not alone. But, over the past week or so, my life has had significant amounts of stress, both personally and professionally.

I am stressed, therefore I eat.

Truth be told, I haven't gone too far off the rails. I treated myself to a low-fat Starbucks coffee cake last week. I had a few pieces of chocolate during a conversation with a good friend. I ate late-night food again. I took a bite of birthday cake for a friend. I just finished consuming a corn dog from our school cafeteria, something I refuse to apologize for since I've been craving a darn corndog for a week straight. This is a major improvement from previous times in my life where I have absolutely GONE NUTS, eating a lot of stuff and snacking like whoa.

There have been no "drive-through-Taco-Bell-and-go-nuts" binges, but I'm definitely exceeding my calorie intake by 100 calories or so each day, if not more. And, I'm not working out to cover it.

I haven't been dilligent about two things: tracking my food AND eating a good breakfast. Typically, when I track my food, I am hyper-aware of all calories, and I plan ahead to avoid a huge binge. It's tedious, but helpful.

It sounds formulaic, but eating a healthy, big breakfast really starts my day off right. I know that eating protein helps my day---I don't feel so hungry, and by the time I hit my mid-morning snack, I'm not ravenous for anything that can touch my lips.

So, my big goals for this week: hardboil some eggs, so I can add an egg to my morning routine, track my meals in advance and really, really stay within my caloric goal. I'm also hoping to really focus on what I want when I'm stressed out, and finding a better way of dealing with stress. Truthfully, working out is starting to really help me---I can feel the beginnings of that runner's high people discuss sometimes. And hot yoga is such a release for me.

Weigh-In

Ahhh, thank you so much for your sweet words on my last post. It's always nice to know that people get it, they understand your struggles and that they're rooting for you.

I needed that.

I have had a bit of a compulsive weighing problem in the past, something I'm trying to combat by only weighing in on Tuesdays. I chose not to weigh myself last week because it was that time of the month, I was feeling stabby and I know that my body holds on to every last pound during my period. It wasn't worth the emotional upset.

I weighed in last night. I was sure that it'd be bad news, because I went out for breakfast over the weekend, drank on Saturday night, ate terrible food in the wee hours of Saturday morning and while I've been counting calories, I also haven't been denying myself things I consider to be basic rights, such as frozen yogurt and Stress Chocolate while PMS-ing. I couldn't believe my eyes.

I waited 'til this morning and weighed in again, just to be sure.

Final loss for the past two weeks? Down another 3.2 lbs.

My first official day was January 5th, and so far, I'm exactly 7 lbs. down from the highest, scary weight I saw back in December. If you figure that healthy weight loss is 2 lbs. per week, I'm at almost exactly that. Sure, I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there. I feel like my body is slowly getting to that place where it's burning fat.

A good friend (Hi, M!) and I often discuss our need for "gold stars" when we're doing well, and honestly, I feel like I got mine with this weigh in. To lose 7 lbs in the first 3.5 weeks makes me want to keep going. It's showed me that I don't have to be a Food Nazi, and that the workouts I'm doing are working.

And mostly? It's made me pretty damn proud of myself.

I just want to be okay...

I had running club this weekend. Or, walking club. I was placed in a super-slow group as a result of my pace run.

I'm trying to be okay with that.

I don't know why I'm finding this so shocking, but losing weight is turning out to be a totally emotional process. As I was plugging along at my walk along the trail this weekend, I found myself with that familiar inner dialogue, berating myself for being slow, for not being able to run as far, for being in this situation at all.

I hate it. I hate that thinking about my body can reduce me to tears. I hate being reluctant to post for pictures, to shop for clothes, to do anything because I am ashamed that I'm so overweight.

Mentally, I know that being overweight is not a moral issue. I don't hurt people, I am not a bad person, I'm not some awful human. But I still can't help but feel that it's a crime against myself. I'm not treating my body the way I should. I'm robbing myself of a full life. I'm missing out on my full potential to have fun and be silly and goofy. And I'm only 26. I'm still young.

Instead of focusing on these negative thoughts, I'm trying to work on being positive. I'm congratulating myself for being out on the trail at all. I'm giving myself mental high fives when I resist the food I really want in favor of food that is better for me. I am proud of myself for working out 5 days last week. I'm trying to learn to embrace my sore muscles, because that's progress.

The past few years have been such a whirlwind in my personal life and I'm slowly realizing how much I abuse myself for choices that may have not been the best. I'm making the connection that my body is a direct reflection of that self-loathing---that, whether conscious or not, I've been treating myself poorly physically because I treat myself poorly mentally and emotionally.

No more. With every workout, I'm learning to praise myself for where I am and to keep looking forward to where I'd like to be. With every healthy meal I consume, I'm reminding myself that I deserve to eat well and be treated well. And sure I may be in the slow group, and hot yoga may kill me, and I still may have to restrain myself from eating Taco Bell and chocolate, but I'm learning to reward myself with good things.

This isn't just a battle to get a perfect body---it's a battle to start treating myself with the love I deserve both mentally and physically.

I'm going to win.

Running club...

Over the weekend, I went to SacFit's running club for the first time. I have to admit that I was equal parts cynical and nervous, mostly because I'm not a fitness person. Like, at all. As we approached the group and I saw car after car decorated with "26.2" stickers, I began to question my judgment in joining this whole thing.

As we approached, I saw people of all shapes and sizes. Some were clearly marathoners, and others were walkers. After some general announcements, the newbies were gathered into a group and given a bit of a pep talk.

The head of SacFit explained a lot about the group. He said that his biggest goal is for people to be successful, and not to feel pressured to do or be anything other than our best at that time. The mission of the group is for people to stick around, to learn how to run and be a successful athlete---even if you've never been on a sports team or been considered fit. Normally, this sort of this doesn't really affect me---call me cynical, but I've been to gyms before where this is emphasized and well, it never seems to pan out that way. But as I looked around and saw the ability levels and felt the sincerity of what was being said, I couldn't help but feel welcome. We were assured that we were to run slowly and comfortably, that they wanted to prevent injuries and had resources to do so, and that we'd be treated well and coached individually. It felt good, and for the first time in a long time, I began to think that maybe, being one of those fitness people isn't exactly unattainable for me.

Leslie and I completed our pace run---just a mile---and we both did it in under 16 minutes. I realize that is terribly slow, but for me? I was pleased that I'd done it under 20, and that I felt good while doing it.

I just got home from my first solo workout, in which I ran 20 minutes without stopping. Yes, I was slow---agonizingly slow. But I did it. And with each and every minute that passed, I began to feel more and more like a runner who will achieve her goals this year.

Playlist

*click to enlarge...

For me, nothing motivates me during working out like music. Well, music motivates and inspires me all the time, but especially during working out---it's key. I thought I'd share my current workout playlist with you, in case you're in need of some motivation/inspiration.

Just a heads up---I tend to like pretty foul hip-hop and electronic music while I workout. If you're sensitive to swearing, etc. I'd avoid tracks 8, 11 and 15 :)

-3.4

So, I am super proud to announce that in my first week of being "on the wagon" of eating well and working out, I lost 3.4 pounds. I couldn't believe my eyes when I stepped on the scale this morning! I was thrilled. Oh, but not thrilled enough to post my real weight. Sorry, internet. NO ONE KNOWS THAT. Except for my iPhone, and she's pretty quiet.

Anyways, I feel awesome, although, I realize that I still have 72.6 lbs to go until I make my final goal, I feel like this is a great way to start. It feels like it's paying off.

A few people have asked me if I'm following any certain diet, and the answer is a firm NO. I don't really love meal plans and "forbidden food lists." Instead, I'm just trying to be reasonable, and stay between 1200-1400 calories a day. Over the weekend, I had a cheat meal at my parents' house (Danish pancakes, known as Abelskeever, bacon, eggs, mimosas) but I compensated by eating a small breakfast and a protein shake for lunch. Andrew and I also went out to dinner and I had veggie pizza and a few polenta fries, but I worked out really hard that day, and again, ate less to compensate. I'm focusing on protein, fruits and veggies, and limiting my carbs at night. So far, so good!

It pains me to write this, but I think the biggest change for me is tracking my food. I loathe food journaling because it's a huge pain in the butt and ugh, I just feel lame, but I will say that it keeps me honest. I think twice about snacks when I know I have to enter them, and even though I am pretty calorie conscious, it enables me to make sure I'm on target. So, I'll doing it for the forseeable future. Right now, I'm using the Livstrong iPhone app and it's pretty good so far. I like the convenience of just typing it in right away.

Working out has been going okay. I plan to start the running group this weekend, which will help and Andrew and I have a hot yoga date on Thursday night. I've slowly been going back to cardio and weights, but I've missed a few days. Last night, I was at work from 7:30 am to nearly 8 pm, and I was just done when I got home, so no workout. Tonight, I know I HAVE to go, so I'm trying to think positively and keep up my momentum from this past week.

To all of you who've been so sweetly cheering me on, THANK YOU. I so appreciate your support and hey, it's working! Here's to many more losing weeks! Hurrah!

I thought I'd drop in and give a little update on my first few days. So far, so good! Actually, awesome.

Something feels different for me this time. I've "committed" to losing weight a few times before over the past year and a half or so and while I've thought I was into it, I guess maybe I wasn't?! This time, I feel really positive about it. It doesn't feel like torture or loss, but instead, feels like taking control.

The past few years have been tumultuous, and this past year has been all about settling down and enjoying. I feel incredibly blessed and happy to be where I am, and losing weight feels like the final piece of that puzzle for me. Everything else feels good and positive, and I guess I want my body to join in the goodness.

I've lost a few pounds already (I'm trying not to weigh in obsessively, but sometimes, I can't help it. I'll be posting my official numbers on Tuesdays, but ya know) but I think the most noticeable change has been in my mood. I've got a serious amount of energy and I've been sleeping well. I've been feeling more able to handle things, and less like I just want to lounge on the couch and watch TV all day. I feel more positive about life in general, actually. And for that I am so grateful. It feels awesome.

Getting into the habit of working out still feels gross. I am starting to regard it as a necessary evil, though, asking myself things like, "Do I want to work towards my goal today or not? Do I want to feel better about myself today or not?" There was really only one night this week that I had to truly battle with myself...and that felt good.

I've already worked out today, but I'm hoping I can talk Andrew into a walk tonight...

So, yeah. So far, so good! I know I'm still at the very beginning of my journey, but I'm feeling really positive so far.

Wisdom from someone other than me...

"...My perspective on exercise has changed recently, too. Before it seemed like such a chore, something I HAD to do. And whenever I HAVE to do something, I really don’t wanna do it and usually don’t. Now, I just think to myself, “If I work out today, I will feel/look better. If I don’t, I won’t. Decide.' So it’s a conscious decision to be healthier, every day."

---The incredible Michelle Woo over at Nilsa's post.

Day One

Yesterday was my first day back at home after vacation, my first day at work and also my first day really hitting my goals hardcore.

I am delighted to say I was successful.

I have had this annoying congestion issue, where I don't really feel terrible, save for being horridly stuffy and exhausted. I had only gotten about five hours of sleep after arriving home and had an exceptionally long day at work due to some extracurricular commitments.

Still, I was bound and determined to make it a good day. There's a lot of talk in the self-help world about affirmations and our self-talk. I tend to have a constant running script of negative talk about myself in my head---"This is an awful day" or "You look disgusting today" and that is perhaps my biggest goal: to flip that script. I focused on this yesterday by saying things like, "Working out when I get home is going to feel SOOOO amazing!" and "You will be so proud of yourself after doing 30 minutes of cardio."

As crazy as it sounds, it totally worked.

Despite being absolutely exhausted, I managed to: drink a ton of water, track my food on my iPhone, stay within my alloted calorie goal of 1400 calories (a bit under, actually), cook a healthy dinner AND do 30 minutes of cardio.

I am hoping to be able to make my workouts longer. I have to be honest and say that working out yesterday was the first time I really felt my weight. When I was in good shape, I could do 30 minutes of cardio with no problem. I might not like it, but I could handle it. Yesterday, between my weight and being congested, it was really difficult. I managed 15 minutes on the elliptical machine and 15 minutes on the stationary bike.

Tonight, I plan to do the same, but also do some of the weight machines, too.

They say every journey begins with a single step, and I took some of my first steps yesterday. Here's hoping this is just the start.

Plans, part 2

After one has tackled food, the next obvious thing one has to address when losing weight is the working out portion.

UGH.

I was never an exercise person as a kid. Being part of a soccer team, for me, consisted of me making daisy chains and tying bows in my teammates hair. I was never hyper competitive and hated running around.

When I first lost some weight a few years ago, I found that I really loved working out once I found a routine I enjoyed. I found that it helped me feel less stressed and the stronger I got, the more I enjoyed really working out using weights---my body looked completely different after just a few months. I don't look like it now, but I am actually a pretty muscular gal and it's easy for me to look buff once I get rid of le fat.

For me, the toughest part is getting into a routine. Let me be totally honest: I freaking LOVE laying about the house. I will find any excuse not to leave the house if I'm relaxing. Seriously, I am embarrassed by how LAZY I have become. Sure, work takes it out of me, but I am also just lazy. So, routine is KEY.

I am planning on trying a few things:

---Joining Sacfit, a running and walking club that gives specific workouts. I can either join them, which I likely will on weekends and a night or two during the week, or run on my own during the week. I have this thing about being a runner, which I'll likely write more about later.

---Going to the gym at my apartment in the morning for 20-30 minutes of cardio before breakfast. Fasted cardio is one of the best ways to make pounds fall off, plus, it starts the day on a healthy note.

---Returning to Bikram Yoga. It's my absolute favorite way to exercise. I feel a bajillion times better about my life when I'm doing it regularly.

I'm also planning to mix it up with some other forms of cardio: spin, swimming and Zumba.

My goal is to work out six days a week, but still walk, do Pilates or something slightly active on the seventh day. I realize this is pretty much what I have to do in order to meet my goals. I am hoping that it will just become part of my day, as much as work, television and the internet.

I am obviously excited to see my body change but I am also excited to have an outlet for my stress. I am hyper aware of the fact that I am not the best at managing my stress and my depressive tendencies---I know that having an activity where I can blow off stress and have those endorphins will be a hugely positive thing for me. Especially during the winter, when I tend to struggle with the gray days and want to burrow away in the warm house, this will be great for me.

I also know that this will be a tough change to make...but I also know that I am tired of seeing photos of myself that incite nausea and disappointment.

I get home tomorrow...Tuesday, it's all happening. Wish me luck, will ya?

Plans...

Wow! Thank you all so much for your sweet comments on my first post over here! You guys are amazing.

I am currently writing from the Midwest, where I am visiting Andrew's family. Eating well here is definitely a challenge. I think the holidays are always difficult, but in the Midwest? EXTRA difficult. There is so much amazing food here. Andrew's mom is a great cook, there have been delicious snacks everywhere and we've been enjoying some local delicacies (like the Horseshoe sandwich which is exclusive to the Springfield, IL area).

Because I am not cooking, I have very limited control over what I'm eating while I'm here, but I am trying to be reasonable. For example, I chose a skinny vanilla latte over the peppermint white mocha I was craving this morning. I ate my breakfast and left the room when the caramel corn came out for a mid-morning snack. I'm trying to keep portion sizes under control. It's little changes like these that I think will really add up.

When I arrive home on Monday evening, I'll be starting in full "on" mode. We don't buy too much unhealthy food, but I'll be working on making sure I have lots of yummy options for work. I tend to crave sweets at night and in the afternoon, so I am going to try and find some healthy alternatives. I know that I'm better off when I eat protein in the morning, so I'm going to try and find some easy ways to do that. Also, we tend to dine out a few times a week (we trade dinner nights and Andrew isn't super into cooking) so we're working on staying in more often AND I'll be doing some research into calories of foods at our favorite restaurants.

For me, I think the biggest change will be working out. But that's a whole separate post, so I'll save that for tomorrow.

Happy Saturday, friends! Hope 2010 is going your way already...

Hello, there!

Hello, you! I'm guessing you're probably over here from my main blog, Just A Titch.

Welcome!

I've written before about my weight loss goals over on my main blog, but I have a sneaking suspicion that some of my readers will be bored with things like food lists, workouts and general bitching about my weight loss.

Weight has been perhaps the biggest battle of my life. I was an average-sized little girl, but somewhere around puberty, I became a bit...fluffier. By the end of high school, I was above average in weight and didn't like that very much.

When I was a freshman in college, I dropped a significant amount of weight by cutting calories and exercising consistently. I wound up looking something like this:



At this point, I was at my very thinnest, in 2003. Not a healthy place. I was under what was considered a healthy weight for my height and my frame size, was spending a ridiculous amount of time in the gym and was engaged in disordered eating.

Over the next 2 years, I gained some weight back, until I looked like this:



Three years after that, I looked like this:



And now? I'm even bigger.

But this year, I've decided to end my weight battle. I never felt uncomfortable in pictures, and now I do. I miss being able to be goofy and silly in photos without worrying about my fat. I worry about my body and the strain I'm putting on it by being significantly overweight. I have been fit, and felt those endorphins from working out. I know that I was healthier---not just physically, but mentally, when I was working out regularly.

So, this is where I'm chronicling my journey to reach a healthy weight. According to a BMI chart, that means I need to lose 76 pounds.

Here we go!

Join me---either by cheering me on, sharing your own stories or watching from the sidelines. I hope that over the next few months, I really will become a Skinny Titch, and more importantly, a healthy one.